<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>But Not Us by captaincaitay</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25656115">But Not Us</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/captaincaitay/pseuds/captaincaitay'>captaincaitay</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 02:33:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,678</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25656115</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/captaincaitay/pseuds/captaincaitay</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Set pre/during Endgame. Steve Rogers has been running a help group in New York for the people who survived Thanos’ snap, to help them move on from the traumatic event. The past four years (yes, not five just yet) have been hard on everyone - especially with the recent disappearances of people who didn’t vanish from the snap. The Avengers are no more, and the only ones who can protect the Disappearing are themselves.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Steve Rogers/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. One Day I'll Tell You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>look I KNOW but i had this in my drafts for over a year pls i wanted to share with you guys. this takes liberties from both agents of shield (LINCOLN DESERVED BETTER) and the movies. i hope you enjoy??</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The sun filtered in through the edges of a window shade, casting a shaded light into the room. It lowly glistened against the wall like any other day, like nothing had ever happened, like nothing was happening at that very moment. The sound of a phone vibrated in the silent room, and was soon followed by the low noise of a grumble, and a hand shot out from under the blanket to grip the phone. The hand disappeared back under the covers and little murmurs filled the room, soon followed by a body sitting up in the bed.</p><p>You held your phone in one hand while the other ran through your hair as you were reading the message. It was your friend, Lincoln, letting you know that everything was fine where he was, and that he looked forward to seeing you later tonight to catch up. You tossed the phone against your pillows and lifted the blankets off your body and headed into your closet.</p><p>You reached for a soft knit sweater and threw it over your torso, and grabbed a pair of black leggings and slid your legs into them as well. It was almost noon, later than you’re used to starting your day, but you just couldn’t bring yourself to get up this morning. That was one of the hardest things about being a Survivor.</p><p>Survivor. A term coined by the media for all the people who didn’t disappear four years ago. It felt wrong to be called that, but you guess you could understand where it resonated with people. Losing your loved ones right in front of you was hard. It was hard wondering if they had felt any pain during that moment, it was hard to continue to try to live your normal day to day lives like just <em> nothing </em>had even happened.</p><p>You took a shaky breath as you got lost in your train of thought. You walked out of your closet and quickly grabbed your phone and small wallet and shoved both into separate pockets, and headed out the front door of your apartment and locking it tightly. You made your way down the hall towards the stairs and started your descent down. The weight on your shoulders always felt lighter when you went to these meetings, hearing everyone else’s stories and being able to talk about your struggles helped.</p><p>You finally made it outside and  glanced up for a second at the sky. The sun was out, but there were gloomy clouds that covered the sunshine and created a dark cast around you. This is how most days looked, the streets were far emptier than they used to be, but nonetheless you started down the street towards the community center. </p><p>You had started going to these meetings about 4 months ago. Around that time people had started going missing every few days but there wasn’t a lot of coverage about it, almost like it wasn’t even really happening. You were angry about that, and you sought out this place because of the man who ran them. You needed a bit of assurance that everything was going to be okay.</p><p>Everything they said about Steve Rogers was correct, 100%. He was a good man in the wrong time, and it really made you feel for him. He often talked about how it’s hard to move on, but after while you just have to. He would mention how he met the love of his life and lost her when he went into the ice for seventy years.</p><p>You accidentally ran into someone who was coming out of the building you were about to enter, and offered an apology but they had kept walking. For a moment you could’ve sworn they looked familiar, maybe. It wasn’t entirely impossible given the small amount of people you saw walking down the streets nowadays. Strangers became neighbors, so you didn’t think much of it. You shook your head as you pulled open the heavy door and walked into the air conditioning.</p><p>From the entrance there’s a hallway that leads down to the meeting room, and it was eerily quiet. Well to be honest, everything was eerily quiet nowadays. It was something you just had to get used to. You rounded the corner into the room and were surprised to find it completely empty. You checked the time on your phone to see the meeting indeed didn’t start for another 15 minutes and hummed quietly to yourself as you found a seat in the circle.</p><p>Crossing your arms you took a look around, tapping your foot on the tile flooring, and before your mind could drift again, there were footsteps coming from behind you.</p><p>“You’re early again,” the voice said as they took the seat next to you, their hands resting nicely in their lap.</p><p>You nodded, letting out the smallest of sighs and turning a bit to meet their eyes “Yeah I don’t know, I just.. I couldn’t sleep.”</p><p>Steve Rogers nodded. “I understand that feeling all too well. Is it work again?”</p><p>And there it was! Your big fat lie about “work”. The truth is you haven’t had a “job”, if that’s what you called what you did, since 2016, when Tony Stark and Steve Rogers went head to head against one another. Not since the Accords were signed into place. Here’s the truth, you were lying to Steve Rogers since the day you met him.</p><p>You nodded your head. “Yeah.. It’s just been a bit.. Stressful. We’ve been losing people recently.”</p><p>He nodded, a little ah that resonated within his chest. “Seems to be happening a lot recently. I think it would be best to find something that helps relax you.”</p><p>“What, are you saying I look tense?” you threw back at him, and he grinned a bit before lightly shrugging.</p><p>“No of course not.. Just that it doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom, (Y/N),” he paused as he gauged your reaction before continuing. You nodded your head a bit, so he continued. “Did you end up going on that date?”</p><p>You bit your lip to stifle a laugh, which sparked his interest. You rarely laughed at the meetings, or really showed any emotion other than just sitting there and thinking, analyzing some people may say. So, all that to say, seeing you chuckle was something he didn’t see much.</p><p>“What, what’s so funny?” he asked, and you smiled and shook your head.</p><p>“Oh god it was just.. it was so <em> bad </em> . I’ve been on some bad dates in my life but.. I mean <em> wow </em>!”</p><p>Steve smiled, rubbing his hands together. “Ah come on, it couldn’t have been that bad.”</p><p>You narrowed your eyes. “He admitted to a substance abuse addiction and how he’d been up for 37 hours straight, and then <em> passed out </em>in the middle of dinner.”</p><p>Steve nodded, and then immediately shook his head. “I’m not sure what to say to that, that’s pretty bad.”</p><p>You smiled and both of your attentions went to the other people who were just entering the room. Steve excused himself and stood up walking over and shaking a couple of people’s hands. You leaned back into the chair and checked your phone one last time before the meeting started.</p><p>Later that evening, you had just finished seeing your friend and were headed back home, starving and decided to stop into a takeout place close to your apartment. It was a little chillier in the evening then during the day, and you welcomed the smell of the food that hit you as soon as you walked in. You walked up to the counter and waited for the person in front of you to place their order, and tried to decide between the Pad Thai or the Pepper Steak. Was it more of a noodle night or a meaty one?</p><p>You were lost in thought when someone entered the line behind you and the person in front was done ordering, you smiled at the woman behind the counter and decided on the Pad Thai, but asked if they could make it a bit spicier for you. With a nod she told you your total, and the person behind you chimed in. “Can you make that two? I got it,” and handed the employee the card past your head.</p><p>You turned to face them to say thanks, but no thanks, when you were met with ever tall, ever broad shouldered, Steve Rogers. You were distracted, staring at him really, as the woman charged his card and handed it back to him, and he shoved the wallet back into his pockets, along with his hands. You blinked a couple times, and he met your eyes. “Hi,” he greeted.</p><p>“Hey,” you replied, shaking your head. “Why- you didn’t have to I was just heading home-”</p><p>“Don’t worry about it,” he shook his head. “So was I. It’s my good deed for the day.”</p><p>You both stepped out of the way, and took a couple of seats at a free table to wait for the food. You laced your fingers together as you leaned forward against the table. “Good deed, huh? What was it yesterday, helping someone cross the street?”</p><p>“Actually yeah,” he grinned and you smiled, shaking your head.</p><p>“So everything they say is true then. Not the perfect soldier but the perfect man,” you commented, moving a ring around on your finger, and Steve shrugged.</p><p>“That’s what they say.”</p><p>You sat back, crossing your arms, “Do you not believe that?”</p><p>Steve didn’t really know if he did. It’s what he was always told, but what if it wasn’t true? Certainly the things that had happened the past few years didn’t make him feel like he was this “perfect” man. He turned his back on Tony, and he was right when he said he abandoned him. And they didn’t lose together, what if they had been together and won? Beat Thanos. And none of this would’ve happened.</p><p>He couldn’t stop thinking about the life he didn’t get to have with Peggy. He often found himself losing his train of thought as other people spoke and would think about holding her as they finally had that dance they promised one another.</p><p>“I don’t know anymore,” he answered honestly.</p><p>That stung. It also stuck with you for the next few weeks as you avoided going to those meetings after your talk with Steve that night. Guilt ate you up, to be completely honest. You ran a hand through your hair as Lincoln spoke to you.</p><p>“That’s three more this week,” he said and you groaned.</p><p>“But how? How are they able to find us? It’s not like we have big flashing signs that say, “Here we are!” or anything,” you said and shoved a fry into your mouth, but Lincoln only shrugged. “Has your connection gotten back to you?”</p><p>“No,” he replied, setting his cup down onto the desk. You both sat in this dingy room on opposite sides of an equally old beaten up desk, shoving greasy fast food into your mouths. You whipped a fry around as you spoke.</p><p>“So she’s AWOL, and we have people disappearing from their homes. Police don’t care, the Avengers are pretty much AWOL too.. So.. What else is there? Besides us?”</p><p>Lincoln shrugged. “I don’t know.. Unless we just formed our own.. Group? League?”</p><p>“What, our own little Avengers?” You chuckled, and he dropped his burger.</p><p>“What if? What if we spread a rumor, a quiet one, about others like us? About what’s happening? And that we have a safe place here in the city!”</p><p>You pondered for a second, but slowly a smile formed on your lips. “Y’know what Lincoln that’s not a bad idea,” you stood up grabbing all your trash, and Lincoln followed your motions. “Why don’t we come back tomorrow and start brainstorming that? It’s been a long day already.”</p><p>“Agreed,” Lincoln said, and with that you were on your separate way, after finally convincing him you would be fine walking home by yourself. He reluctantly agreed and you made it back safely, there weren’t as many criminals on the streets anymore. You started up the stairs to your apartment and when you made it to the first landing leading to your floor, you came to a stop when the path was blocked by a figure.</p><p>Your keys raddled and the head lifted up to meet your gaze. “What are you doing here?”</p><p>“Just wanted to check in, it’s been awhile since you’ve stopped by.”</p><p>Steve Rogers got to his feet and was towering over you, his hands finding their way to his pants pocket. You huffed, stepping around him. “And that means you wait outside my apartment? Are you allowed to do that?”</p><p>You were walking towards your apartment door, Steve following and keeping a comfortable distance between the two of you. You fumbled with your keys into the door, a bit nervous that he was here. Did he find you out? That you’re a fucking liar and he was there to bust you and arrest you? Not that he had the power to throw you in jail.. What about an Avengers jail? That probably wasn’t a thing though.</p><p>“It would probably be frowned upon,” he agreed, and you had finally managed to get the door unlocked and slightly pushed open. You stopped to meet his gaze. “I was just worried since you haven’t stopped by recently.”</p><p>“I’ve just been..”</p><p>“Busy?” he asked. That was always your excuse to him. It was your excuse for this, for never really sharing to the group, never wanting to go out with anyone to move on, just pretty much everything.</p><p>You didn’t answer, and Steve took a step forward. You straightened your stance to watch him, a hand still on your door knob, taking the sight of him in. Steve had this lighter grey shirt on and jeans, and he had a pretty good beard going on again. You blinked slowly and a grumble escaped your lips.</p><p>“Okay I promise I really have been busy,” you started, clasping your hands together. “But I.. I can’t really say what it is exactly.”</p><p>Steve nodded, shrugging his shoulders lightly. “Look I get it. I know that trusting people with what’s important to you can be hard, and I hope one day you can tell me those things,” he paused to gauge your emotions before continuing. “Because honestly, I don’t really know much about you.”</p><p>You stared at him for a few moments, a silence falling between you two. Your eyes were locked for a few moments before you mustered up a reply.</p><p>“One day I’ll tell you.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Still a Soldier</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>sorry this one is shorter but the next part is finished so you'll be seeing it soon :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Given the circumstances, you had to make it a point to attend more of Steve’s meetings. The last thing you needed was the thought that there even was a potential Avengers prison, and if you disappointed </span>
  <em>
    <span>the </span>
  </em>
  <span>Captain America, you didn’t want to be inside that. There was too much work to do out here.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lincoln still had yet to hear from his connection, and anytime you brought it up he visibly got uncomfortable. After a few weeks, you stopped asking. There must be some kind of history there and it was none of your business. But maybe you didn’t need his connection after all. Word began to spread of what you were doing here, and people began to come. They started to listen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There were maybe a hundred people now gathered in this warehouse in the city. A hundred people just like you. Aware, scared, and looking to survive. The chatter in the room had never been so loud, you were so used to it just being Lincoln and yourself that it could have been deafening. When it came time to give a speech, Lincoln was the perfect candidate (though he disagreed on that).</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“In the last five months there have been more of us taken than what’s even in this room,” Lincoln said. At this point everyone was listening, including you who stood by his side, giving encouraging smiles when he looked your way. “There’s no doubt there’s.. Something behind it. Someone. But we don’t have people to protect us anymore. No Avengers.. No SHIELD.. Just us.. And I think that’s all we need. All we can rely on.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A few people hollered in agreement, some just nodding their head along with what he was saying. Lincoln looked over to you for guidance and with a deep breath you took a step forward to speak.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lincoln and I are doing what we can to find out who is behind this,” you started. The voices silenced again to listen to what you had to say now. “There’s no doubt who’s being targeted, so we recommend traveling in groups no smaller than two or even three.. And if you think you’re being followed, do whatever you need to disappear. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“We have to live with eyes on the back of our heads.. But that life is better than being killed.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is something on your mind, (Y/N)?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You blinked a few times before your environment came back into view. It was the same room, same circle of chairs, and same group of faces staring back at you. The voice in question though sat almost directly across, looking you down with what you could only describe was wonder. You straightened up a bit, still keeping your arms crossed before you and sighed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been thinking about my sister a lot recently,” you said in nearly a whisper. By the looks on people's faces, the strain you could see they showed to try and hear you made you clear your throat before continuing. But you hesitated, looking over at Steve for permission, only opening your mouth to speak when he offered you a nod.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My parents died about four and a half years before the blip, and I came back from Nepal to assume custody of her. She was seven, and it.. Well forced me to grow up a bit. Pushed aside what I was going through because now something bigger than me mattered. She mattered more.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You grimaced a smile. “I know we’ve talked about the pain before, I know we’ve tried to reassure one another that they didn’t feel anything but.. Y’know I can’t help but just wonder if that’s really true. One second she was there and when I looked again she was disappearing. Leaving. And I couldn’t get to her side fast enough.. She looked so scared.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There wasn’t anything you could do,” Steve said. You bit the inside of your cheek to nurse the sting you felt grow over your chest and in your eyes. “There was nothing any of us could do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Wasn’t there though? Isn’t that what the Avengers are for?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Your eyes flickered back down to the ground, and Seve sat back against his chair. Did he know what you thought? You tapped your foot a bit against the ground, and Steve’s eyes lingered on your shoe before you spoke again. “Whatever decided who left and who stayed, I think it chose wrong.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Your statement settled in the room and before you knew it Steve as announcing the end of this session. You stood from your seat and grabbed your bag, but not faster than Steve could get to you.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I agree with you, you know,” he said. You pushed your arms through the straps of the backpack you were carrying around and looked back at him, a bit shocked really. You had heard who on the Avengers were blipped.. You wondered who he would’ve switched places with. “But I wanted to ask you.. Do you really think she would be better off experiencing this? Alone.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She deserved more than me,” you answer honestly. By the look on his face you shocked him with that. You mumbled a goodbye when another group member started to come over to you two, and you disappeared.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve knew as he watched you leave that he probably wouldn’t see you for the next meeting.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve went on with his day as “usual.” Even using the term was wrong but it was the only thing that fit. After trying to make it work with Sharon, and it just </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> working, he moved his things out and got a place in Brooklyn all to himself. But as he struggled to get back on his feet, he frequently found himself making trips to his old home, and catching up with Natasha while he was there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And also to use the washer and dryer that was there, but that was just an added bonus of visiting.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As Steve placed his bag on a chair just outside where Nat did her meetings, he caught the end of the call. The pictures of his team disappeared, and when it was just them alone Nat finally looked over at Steve as he leaned his shoulder up against the wall.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Geez, Steve. Do you not own a razor? I can get you one if you need it,” she poked at him. Steve smiled a bit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I happen to still like the beard, it’s not the first time you’ve seen me with it anyways,” Steve reminded her. But she only shrugged.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatever floats your boat,” she said as she sat down in her chair. “You here to do your laundry?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Here to see a friend,” Steve replied. When she raised a brow at him he shrugged. “Maybe to also do laundry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Help yourself,” she said. Nat began to type away at something but Steve didn’t budge. So she paused and glanced over at him. “Is there something on your mind, Steve?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was just wondering if you were able to find anything about these disappearances,” Steve asked. He moved forward and sat in one of the seats across from his friend, and ran his hands down his jeans. “Any leads? Connections?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“For someone who claims to be out of the game, you sure do ask a lot of questions,” Nat jokingly said, but it didn’t stop her from returning to typing on her computer. “Honestly Steve no. We can’t find a link between the victims. The only thing they all share in common is some facial recognition in Nepal. But the years don’t match. 2012, 2013, and a few from 2014. That’s the last of it though.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nepal?” Steve asked. He remembered you had mentioned the place just earlier.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, but they weren’t ever seen together, so it’s hard to say if that’s a connection. It is a popular tourist destination.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right,” Steve mumbled. He stood from his place and gave her a nod. “Have you eaten yet?”</span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>Steve was right. He didn’t see you again for not one, not two, but three more meetings. But when the fourth week came around and he was setting up the chairs in the same familiar circle, he was surprised to look up and see you edging yourself towards the door frame. You looked different.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You looked tired. He could see that in the bags under your eyes, only enhanced by the slight purple tint to them. Your shoulders slumped under the weight of your bag, and your fingers looked strained as you gripped onto the strap to hold it in place. But your eyes are what gave you away. They just didn’t have that same glimmer in them like the last time he saw you, even if then it was slightly dimmed because of your thoughts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve was definitely over analyzing you. But he couldn’t help it, he was still a soldier. Still a leader.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Need help?” You asked him, setting your bag down on the ground. Steve cleared his mind and nodded a bit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wouldn’t mind it,” he answered. You grabbed a small stack of the metal chairs, and together, working to meet in the middle, you both laid out the chairs. One by one more chairs were added until Steve and you placed ones right beside one another, and silence filled the room. Steve shoved his hands in his pockets and looked you over casually.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Everything alright?” He asked. You ran your hand over your hair to fix it, but his question made you hesitate. He noticed. But you nodded and offered a fake smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah no everything’s great. Just had a lot going on,” you answered almost mechanically. He could tell you were practicing that answer. But he nodded along, and you seemed to relax a bit. Steve wouldn’t push you just yet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But you were hiding something. And he wanted to know what that was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, always the busy body,” Steve said, earning a nod from you. He walked over to the refreshment table and grabbed two water bottles and when he turned back around you had settled into a chair. He walked back over and offered you one. “Here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks,” you said, taking his offering. Steve sat in the chair next to you and sipped at his water while you seemed to down yours in a matter of moments. For someone who said there wasn’t anything going on besides being “busy,” you didn’t seem to hide your thoughts and feelings from being shown through your expressions. You let out a satisfied </span>
  <em>
    <span>ah</span>
  </em>
  <span> and reclosed the bottle, letting it rest in your lap. Steve wasn’t expecting you to speak, so when your voice filled the room he had to hide his surprise.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you knew something was going on, would you try and do everything in your power to stop it? Help in whatever way you could?” You asked. Steve blinked a couple times as you stared at the ground, giving him a chance to look you over again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re asking the guy who destroyed a building in D.C. and pretty much broke up the Avengers for his childhood best friend,” Steve joked. You finally cracked a smile and looked over to meet his gaze. “But.. I would. I like to think that I have done so every chance I’ve gotten.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Even if it put yourself at risk?” You asked hesitantly. Steve’s look fell, he knew his brows probably fell into more of a scowl than he intended.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you in danger?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No,” you answered a little too quickly. Steve leaned forward, resting his arms on his legs to get a better look at you. “No really I’m just.. I’m just thinking.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before Steve could press any further, more people entered the room. You held his gaze and offered a small smile, but with the addition of all these people you knew he couldn’t press you any further. Steve was quiet that meeting, intervening when necessary because his mind was racing. When it got closer to that hour mark he heard the doors echo down the hall, only gaining his attention and yours. But when no one entered the room they held these meetings in, Steve looked back towards the group and gave his final remarks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was like a school bell went off with how fast you got up and went to grab your bag. Steve had to politely move around people to get over to you and reached out to grab your arm. “Hold on wait a second-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I really have to go,” you said. Steve looked over your face, only giving him an expressionless look, before he released his grip on you. And then he watched as you disappeared down the hall and out into the sunlight. As another group member came up to him to ask him something he couldn’t help but wonder..</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What’s going on with you? And was he going to see you again soon?</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. An Agent of SHIELD</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>we learn what the reader went through as an agent of shield. only a couple mentions of steve but still a good chapter imo :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>May 2014</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>What should have been the greatest experience for a newly assigned SHIELD agent turned into the world’s first global (known) alien invasion. A select few were stationed at the Joint Dark Energy Mission Facility in the Mojave Desert in New Mexico, where the only information the average agent had was to protect the scientist, and any and all information at all costs. Serving alongside Hawkeye, Phil Coulson, and seeing Director Fury almost up close and personal would have made your friends still awaiting assignment at the Academy jealous.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But when an Asguardian almost single-handedly leveled the facility, some not making it out or even barely, those who risked their lives demanded an answer. It was one of your golden experiences at SHIELD, and what may have gained you notice from </span>
  <em>
    <span>the </span>
  </em>
  <span>Phil Coulson. So they revealed the truth: known as Project PEGASUS, SHIELD had been in possession of an otherworldly power source, and was analyzing (and eventually) weaponizing the power it emitted. You, along with the other six agents who had demanded answers, were brought along for the next wild ride. A helicarrier awaited and there was an elite team being brought in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The Avengers Initiative had been a ghost story at the Academy. Theories of who was being scouted, where the idea had come from, who was behind it.. During your years every theory had been tossed around it seemed.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I heard Fury created it because some alien invasion inspired him in the 90’s.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What? That’s not true! We would’ve heard about an alien.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>That’s literally the point of SHIELD. Secrets. We hide ‘em.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>They had a point now that you thought back on it. SHIELD was all about hiding knowledge and keeping people safe from the knowledge. How else were they going to explain that JFK was actually assassinated by a ghost story named the Winter Soldier?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Forget you just read that. That’s classified.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Regardless, seeing the likes of legendary Natasha Romanoff, the brilliant Bruce Banner, and chivalrous Steve Rogers aboard that helicarrier that day should have been momentous. But from the moment they stepped on board things had taken a turn for the worse. Hours were spent trying to locate the Asguardian who you heard was named Loki, but when he finally popped up in Germany, none other than Steve Rogers was sent in to apprehend the God. Did anyone expect Tony Stark to swoop in? Or Thor, the God of Thunder? Loki’s “adopted brother” as others heard him say.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As you did your sweeps that day, it honestly felt a little too easy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You had only met Steve Rogers on one occasion, and that was on this day, right before Barton’s attack on the Helicarrier. You were doing a sweep on one of the lower levels, when you passed by a hallway that led down to a door that from the corner of your eye looked.. Open? Other agents passed you without even a glance to what you were seeing, so with a deep breath you walked down the white hall, and examined the door. You could hear the quiet sound of someone inside and knew what needed to be done. The door was pried open just enough for someone bigger than yourself to enter, so you managed to slide through the door and into the holding compartment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Crates among crates were stacked on top of one another, almost every single one had the PEGASUS logo next to the SHIELD logo. The closer you got to the sounds of shuffling, you undid your holster on your leg, resting your hand firmly on the hilt of the standard SHIELD icer given to every agent. When you rounded the corner and were met with the back of Captain America himself (who wouldn’t know that iconic blue-starred uniform?) you weren’t sure what to do. You didn’t even know what overcame you to speak to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Didn’t have to break the door y’know,” you said to him. You remember his shoulders tensing, setting something down in a crate he had opened and slowly turning to face you. Your hand still rested on your icer, while your other motioned back from where you both had come from. “It’s gonna take them a couple days to fix that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll send my apologies,” Steve said back to you. He glanced you over, not without noticing your loose grip on the weapon at your side. His eyes hovered there before he spoke again, and his piercing blue eyes met yours once more. “Are you going to turn me in?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No,” you didn’t hesitate in answering. His shoulders relaxed, but it looked like confusion was replaced in his scowl. You relatched your holster, and took a couple steps back with some final words. “I just hope you found what you were looking for.”</span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <em>
    <span>October 2013</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>You had come a long way since that first assignment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You never saw Steve Rogers again, or any Avenger for that matter. Your encounter with the super soldier was soon cached as a one off meeting. He was a hero, you were an agent. And as before, you were following a lead on a secret the world wasn’t ready for yet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For several months there have been missing person cases worldwide, but there was a catch. They soon turned up found, but encased in rock. SHIELD was called in immediately, and you were assigned to a task force to investigate. Research showed that after time the rock began to crumble, and the person was gone, dust if you will. There was nothing that could be done to save them, no matter what was attempted on the rock formations.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Your task force was a shadow team similar to Phil Coulson (who was alive, but that’s classified. Only a select few know, his team, and now the one you served on). Communication was erratic between his team and yours, but his scientist couldn’t find anything different than yours could.. This was the mission that changed your life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Locals had come across a set of crystals during an excavation of a nearby temple. The report had said that one of the explorers touched the crystal, and was petrified within seconds. Luckily, for the first time ever, SHIELD was able to finally see what was causing these unnatural phenomenons. You remember it was hot, and being lowered by a rope into the hole the locals had cut out. When you removed yourself from the harness holding you, you examined the explorer before looking to the crystal formation in the middle of the room. It was unlike anything you had ever seen.. It was beautiful. And to this day you swore it had whispered in your ear.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You weren’t sure who knocked the crystals to the ground. Everything had happened so quickly. A blueish-grey mist evaporated into the air, and every agent, you and three others, were frozen in place. Something began to cover your body, unlike the rock that you had seen it didn’t feel rough, or scary. As the solidifying cocoon enveloped you it was as if a voice rang in your ears that you’d be fine.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And a month later, you were. Or at least you thought you were.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You don’t remember falling out of the enclosure, but they told you you did. You remember waking up in a medical room, the sound of different beeps monitoring different things in your body was evident. The first face you saw when you came to was actually Maria Hill. You should’ve known her presence was going to be followed by Director Fury, but you chalked it all up to formalities. Every test the ran on you pointed to you being fine, but you didn’t feel fine the more time that progressed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was January 2014 when you got into your altercation. Being back in the field was hard, you were struggling to handle your anger when someone on your team merely bumped into you. But that was it, you remembering blacking out and suddenly being on top of them, their blood covering your knuckles. An hour later, Director Fury himself was signing your suspended leave papers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You were even more pissed off, upset that SHIELD essentially told you to handle your issues on your own. Ever since that damn mission you didn’t feel the same, something just didn’t feel right to you. You were angry, skittish, and it began to take its toll on you and your family. They didn’t know how to help you, and neither did you in all honesty. One night after having a shouting match with your father, you packed a bag and took the next plane out of there. And it didn’t matter where it went.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s a blank between that and when you met Gordon. You could blame it on the transition, or really just blame it on the way you took to bar hopping to mash that anger down to something else. You had managed to piss off a small group of motorcycle men (you didn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>mean </span>
  </em>
  <span>to knock their bikes over, it just kind of </span>
  <em>
    <span>happened</span>
  </em>
  <span>), and when backed into a corner a blue field appeared before you. It shocked not only your pursuers, but you thought you were dreaming. Gordon offered you his hand, and you took it with no hesitation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Inhuman. That’s what they said you were. A race of altered </span>
  <a href="https://marvelcinematicuniverse.fandom.com/wiki/Humans">
    <span>human beings</span>
  </a>
  <span> that were the result of experiments on ancient humans by an extraterrestrial race who embedded their genetic code and the potential to transform and/or acquire superhuman abilities through a process known as </span>
  <a href="https://marvelcinematicuniverse.fandom.com/wiki/Terrigenesis">
    <span>Terrigenesis</span>
  </a>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In all honesty it was a mouthful, and a lot to accept all at once. But it.. Made sense in a way. The woman in charge, Jiaying, asked you if you had ever come in contact with a crystal, which she showed you rolled up in a small handkerchief. You recited your story, a bit modified, about coming across crystals in an old temple, and someone knocked them over by accident. You lost two months, and haven’t felt the same since. She told you that you would be taken care of, and you were safe now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You met Lincoln a couple days later. He told you that acupuncture was supposed to help your body adapt to the Terrigenesis, but because you were going on three months since your transformation, it was going to take time. You warned him you weren’t an overly patient person, and he laughed and said he wouldn’t be going anywhere. After your first session, you didn’t feel much of a change besides the pain in your neck disappeared, but the anger lingered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You went weeks without knowing what your “superhuman ability” was, and everyday you got more and more irritable.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why am I even here,” you expressed to Lincoln and Jiaying one day. You clenched your fist as you paced before them, and motioned towards them. “All I feel is just pissed off because I don’t know what I’m even doing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We just haven’t had a breakthrough yet,” Jiaying explained. “Everyone is different when it comes to this process.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You couldn’t accept that. You didn’t show up for your next acupuncture appointment with Lincoln, and within 10 minutes he was knocking on your door. You tossed your pillow back to your bed, and stared at the door. Maybe if you were silent--</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you’re in there,” Lincoln said to you. You narrowed your eyes at the door when he spoke again. “I’m opening the door.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No you aren’t,” you told him through clenched teeth. When you saw the door slowly inch forward you exploded. “I said no you aren’t!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The room shook, the door reclosing in a loud smack. You weren’t sure what had happened but saw the lingering blue ripples of energy that danced over the walls. You huffed and looked down at your hands, which were enveloped by the same blue energy. The door flew open and you looked up to see the shocked look of Lincoln. He later told you your eyes looked like they were glowing blue, but after you took him in it all disappeared.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You hadn’t gotten far on controlling your powers (you could turn invisible too, how cool was that?) when Jiaying and Gordon found out who you worked for. Lincoln was the only one who fought for you to stay at Afterlife, he said your ties with the organization didn’t mean you’d turn them in. You were one of them now. And he was right, it hadn’t even crossed your mind of turning these people over to SHIELD.. They were there for you when SHIELD wasn’t. But it didn’t matter. You were suddenly shunned from this new community with the promise you’d never return, and never expose their secrets. Those last few weeks were.. They weren’t the best. Your only solace was found in Lincoln, growing closer to one another with every moment you spent together, but before anything could happen you got the phone call that changed your life. Again.</span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <em>
    <span>July 2014</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>It rained that day. The ground was soft and still had little specks of water on them. You only remembered that because your sister pointed out that everyone’s shoes were dirty. You also remembered that she tucked away one of her blankets with your mother, because she didn’t want her to be afraid. She was more wise than you were. You remembered the soft and grainy feel of the dirt you tossed onto both caskets, and when you placed your clean hand on your sister's shoulder you hadn’t noticed Lincoln step to your other side. Not until he grabbed a hold of your damp hand. The light electricity that spread over your palm was welcomed, enlightening warmth in you for the first time in days.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You didn’t see Phil Coulson and Melinda May had been in attendance in the back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The wake after wasn’t your idea, it was your grandmother's (paternal, ever the doting family figure, god rest her soul) and that was when Coulson approached you. He was more stoic, even had a bit of stubble on his face, and asked you to speak privately. When you were able to slip away and talk outside on the porch of your family home, he offered his condolences. You remember he kept glancing May’s way, hesitant on what he was going to say, but he was very careful. Calculated you could say.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That same year Steve Rogers had exposed Hydra for having deep roots within SHIELD, and Coulson was the new Director. All he offered was that Fury was indisposed at the moment, and he offered you your position back. You wondered now if he knew what you were, what had happened. If Lincoln had any intelligence with SHIELD it had to be someone on Coulson’s team. But you were getting ahead of yourself. He said to take some time to think about it, to process your loss, and told you that you’d know where to find him. With a final goodbye, the two agents left.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lincoln went back to Afterlife. You took full custody of your sister, and though she didn’t know why you disappeared, your grandmother did. The three of you lived comfortably in your family home (to not disrupt your sister’s life) and when you had to be off on a mission, your sister was always taken care of. Four years of never missing her softball games, listening to her awful Clarinet playing (it wasn’t bad, you just liked to tease her), and being there for any of her questions. Life was good. It wasn’t too hard to balance your work life and personal life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Two years after accepting Coulson’s offer, you were forced to resign indefinitely. The Sokovia Accords were wanting any and all SHIELD agents who were Inhuman (thanks to the database SHIELD had collected) to sign and continue to serve, or face time in The Raft. Neither was an option you were going to accept, so a compromise was offered to those who refused. The Accords and world nations would keep their own database of Inhumans, or any enhanced individuals, with the notion that if these persons were found to be using their powers, it would be a charge of criminal negligence. And if you were assigned to any government agency (SHIELD, the FBI, anything) you were to resign immediately. All on the down low of course. Reluctantly, you agreed, along with anyone else who didn’t want to be used as an on call superhuman soldier.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was freedom at a price. But you weren’t leaving your family. Not again.</span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <em>
    <span>May 2018</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Your sister shut the door to your car abruptly. You remembered how she nearly raced to the back to grab her gear from your trunk while you shut the engine off. She was eager to get inside and shower after her teams win for the week, even racing past your grandmother who sat on the swing on the porch. You remember feeling your phone vibrating in your pocket, news of Tony Stark’s disappearance was everywhere. Being out of the game for two years now made you feel out of touch, only getting the same information as everyone else. But you tried your best not to stress about it too much, for your sister’s sake. You remembered your grandmother offering to make a roast that night, but you thought it would be more fun to have your sibling choose - a post game tradition and an excuse not to do dishes that night. You nearly tripped over her duffel bag while trying to set your bag down and sighed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought we had an agreement about putting this away!” You called out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry! I needed to get some water, it’s too hot,” she replied. You pushed her bag out of the way (the last thing you needed was your grandmother taking a fall like last time) and walked further into the house. “(Y/N)-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re lucky it was me and not--”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You stopped mid sentence when your gaze landed on her. She was terrified, and you felt like you had no time to process what was going on. It started from her feet, inching upwards in a dim cloud and she was evaporating before your eyes. You rushed over, but by the time you got there your fingers only barely touched the dust. You were sick, falling to your knees as the sounds from the outside world flooded your home. Your eyes never left the spot where the dust collected, not when far away booms were heard, voices yelling into the air, and you looked back to the open door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nana?” You called out. You stood and rushed over to the door, rounding the archway abruptly. You saw her standing and looking back out to the road, and wanted to cry out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She died six months later. You boarded up the house and all the memories it held and headed back to New York City. You haven’t been back since. You were able to get a small place in the city, and isolated yourself from the world. That was until Lincoln came knocking on your door. You weren’t sure how he found you, but it didn’t matter in the end, or really that moment. You didn’t feel so alone anymore.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dancing on the edge of friendship and something more, Lincoln became an integral part of your life. So when people began to go missing, and you both quickly realized they were Inhumans, it felt as if that responsibility fell on your shoulders now. You had a purpose again: helping people.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You know the rest. You began to go to Steve Rogers meetings, and when he didn’t recognize you you were in the clear it felt. He wasn’t overly nosy, didn’t push you to reveal much, really he let you do things at your own pace. You told yourself you went to his meetings to see if you could slyly get information out of him, but really you did enjoy them. They often made you feel better. Not much, but enough to where you didn’t want to disappear yourself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The fogginess in your mind was replaced with something else. You didn’t know if it was fear (probably) or not, but your exhausted body wasn’t prepared for this fight. You had been followed for a half an hour now when you were on your way to the community center. You tried to shake them, but it wasn’t working. They knew where you were headed and when you lost a pair, two more took their place. You weren’t making it to Steve’s meeting that morning.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Adrenaline laced with fear coursed through you as you rounded a corner. It took all the concentration in you to mask yourself with your abilities. Out of sight you quickly slid your way into the opening of an alleyway and watched as the two men on your tail walked by without even a glance your way. You should’ve known it was too easy, you shouldn’t have let your guard down so fast. Maybe it was the exhaustion gnawing at you, but you took careful steps back towards the other end. If you could get there then you could see about making it to the center.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You were still invisible when a shock was sent through your body. Little jolts of electricity worked its way through you and the sudden attack made you reappear as you fell to your knees. The smell of burning rubber filled your senses first, followed by the sound of boots on the ground. You forced yourself to look up, only to find yourself surrounded by figures behind dark grey skull masks. You grimaced as one lowered themselves to look you in the eye, though you were only met with your reflection.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Too easy,” the voice said. You took a shaky breath, the electricity not making anything easier for you, and clenched your hands at your side.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not done fighting yet,” you warned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a thrust of your arms, a shield like barrier exploded out from around you. Those closest to you were sent the furthest away, except for the one who spoke to you. Whatever was shot into your side evaporated, and you stood freely bracing yourself against those who were able to get back on their feet quickly. You dodged and countered punches until one grabbed the bag on your back, pulling you towards them. You spun out from the straps and with your hands enveloped their feet with your powers, throwing them away from you. Two more came from your side and you grabbed the arm of one burrowing for your body and shoved them back into another foe.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There were too many, but you couldn’t give up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The bigger one who spoke to you managed to push their way through the group, facing you head on. You were breathing heavy, you didn’t know how much longer you could fight them off. Maybe if you could hold them off a little longer, Steve normally passed this way, just a few more minutes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re surrounded,” the deep voice said. You didn’t know if it was their real voice or something modulated, but they began to circle you. “Stop fighting, and we won’t make this hurt.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah I don’t think so,” you replied. You cemented your feet into the ground, and it took all the energy in you to produce the blue energy around your hands. In this state your eyes turned the same blue, but it didn’t seem to stop them from coming at you quickly. You redirected their moves, one arm one way, the other in a whole other direction. There was a click too fast for you to catch, they fought your manipulation and grabbed you from behind, arm trapping you around your neck and it made you gasp. All at once your powers disappeared as you grabbed at their arm. There was no way they did that.. Something disrupted your energy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The sting of a needle into your neck made you push against them. Their stance didn’t falter, and an overwhelming pain began to spread through you. All you could seem to manage was gasp for short breaths as the person eased you down to the ground. You watched the sky grow bleeker, and the last words before you were met with darkness was an order to get you into the truck.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>